Coast Guard slang — small-service language from the cutters, stations, and the world’s busiest SAR cases.
21 terms
Buoys, lights, and markers that Coast Guard crews maintain, often in terrible weather. The most unglamorous but critical mission. Ships don't crash into rocks because Coasties go out in storms.
"Maintaining aids to navigation in January in Lake Superior. Living the dream. A frozen, miserable dream."
The facial hair that grows unchecked during extended Alaskan patrols because grooming standards become flexible when it's -30 and nobody is visiting. The most honest grooming standard in the military.
"Two weeks in the Bering Sea and my beard has its own ecosystem. The XO has one too. We don't discuss it."
The Boatswain's Mate Second Class who can fix anything on the cutter with duct tape, paint, and pure spite. The Coast Guard's infrastructure runs on these people and nobody pays them enough.
"BM2 Fix-It repaired the engine with a wrench, some wire, and what I think was a prayer."
The Coast Guard's version of kicking in doors, except the doors are on boats and the ocean is trying to kill you the whole time. Less urban combat, more floating combat. Equally terrifying.
"The boarding team found 3 tons of cocaine on a go-fast boat. Not bad for 'puddle pirates.'"
How Army and Air Force members refer to both the Navy AND Coast Guard when they can't remember which is which. Offensive to both services equally, which at least promotes inter-service unity.
"Are you Navy or Coast Guard?" "Coast Guard." "Oh, the other boat people." (Sound of grinding teeth.)
Coast Guard boot camp in Cape May, New Jersey — the only military basic training that makes you wonder if the real enemy is the Atlantic Ocean in February. Eight weeks of being cold, wet, and screamed at.
"They had us doing surf immersion at Cape May in January. I didn't feel my feet for three days."
A Coast Guard member. Used affectionately within the CG and sometimes condescendingly by other branches.
"Coasties do more with less than any other branch. Don't @ me."
The bracing reality of Coast Guard duty in places like Alaska, the Great Lakes, or the North Atlantic, where the water temperature makes deployment to warm climates sound like a vacation.
"Stationed in Kodiak. My cold water paycheck comes with a side of hypothermia and bear encounters."
Any Coast Guard vessel over 65 feet. Sounds impressive until you realize a "cutter" can be anything from a 378-foot legend to an 87-foot patrol boat that rocks so violently the entire crew is on Dramamine.
"Got orders to a cutter out of Kodiak. No, not the big one. The 110. I've already started my Dramamine prescription."
How the Coast Guard feels within the Department of Homeland Security. Not DoD, not quite civilian, perpetually underfunded, and always having to explain their org chart at barbecues.
"We're the DHS stepchild. Our budget is smaller than the Navy's coffee fund."
The informal celebration when a Coast Guard crew interdicts a major drug shipment. The seizure photos alone generate enough PR to fund morale for months.
"Happy Drug Bust Friday! We seized 5,000 kilos and the crew gets... a thank you email."
A drug smuggling speedboat. The Coast Guard's primary adversary and the reason Coasties can say they've been in actual high-speed chases. Except theirs happen on water, which is objectively harder.
"We intercepted a go-fast with $50 million in drugs. But sure, tell me again how we're not a real military branch."
Helicopter Interdiction Tactical Squadron — the Coast Guard's most operator unit, where aircrews shoot out drug-running boat engines from helicopters. The one unit that makes every other branch briefly respect the CG.
"Every Coastie wants to be HITRON until they find out you're still doing PowerPoint training between interdictions."
An E-3 and below in the Coast Guard — someone who hasn't picked a rating yet and gets assigned to whatever awful task nobody else wants. Every senior Coastie remembers being a nonrate the way trauma survivors remember the event.
"As a nonrate I spent four months chipping paint, standing mid-watches, and being told I'd understand when I picked up a rate."
What other branches call Coast Guard members. Refers to the CG operating in coastal/inland waters instead of the open ocean.
"The puddle pirates pulled us over for a safety inspection. All our flares were expired."
The Coast Guard standard of always being prepared to save lives. Not a motto — a job requirement. While other branches train for combat, the Coast Guard trains to jump into freezing water. Voluntarily.
"Rescue ready means we go out when everyone else is coming in. That's not bravery, that's Tuesday."
Always Ready. The Coast Guard motto. Also shortened to "Semper P." The CG version of Semper Fi.
"Semper Paratus, shipmate. Ready to launch the boat in a hurricane."
Self-deprecating Coast Guard humor about their operating environment. Used to own the "puddle pirate" jokes before other branches can make them. If you beat them to the punch, it doesn't sting.
"Shallow water warrior, deep water commitment. Also, we interdicted more drugs than the DEA last year."
A Coast Guard rescue swimmer. These are the people who jump out of helicopters into raging seas to save your life. Possibly the most objectively badass job in any military branch. Don't tell the SEALs.
"The swimmer dove into 20-foot swells in the dark to pull a family off a sinking vessel. Puddle pirate, my entire rear."
What the Coast Guard calls itself, because the DoD forgets they exist until hurricane season, drug interdiction stats are needed, or someone asks 'wait, there are SIX branches?' They're right to feel forgotten.
"The forgotten service just saved 400 lives during the hurricane. You're welcome."
Any training that involves getting in the water. In the Coast Guard, this is most training. If you don't like being cold and wet, you chose the wrong branch. You chose the very wrong branch.
"We have wet training tomorrow. Bring a dry uniform because you will absolutely need it."